Saturday, 8 June 2013

Who came to wipe your tears away?

Hey guys, sorry i've been awol,
been dealing with some...stuff.

I'm not sure many of you are aware but i have depression.
Which over the last year or two has escalated into all kinds of anxiety.
Social anxiety mainly,
but after that, health anxiety.
I was a bit of a hypochondriac before,
but it has now snowballed and i am a monster.

I'm caught in this vicious cycle whereby if i get a headache
i immediately assume the worst.
Which causes stress, 
which then causes 'fake' symptoms,
[the brain is an incredible organ]
and, in turn, causes more anxieties.

My days are spent googling illnesses associated with my symptoms.
[worst thing anyone with anxiety should do]

This week has been a bust because i've been ill.
I had a cold mid may.
I was then really congested afterwards.
At the weekend my face hurt to touch under my eyes/on my cheeks.
I'd never experienced this before!
Aha, sinusitis. 
That must be it.
I tried a nasal rinse.
[absolutely minging, youtube it!]

I think the rinse caused fluid to get into my ears.
So now i think i have an ear infection.

I can't go to the doctor over here,
[too expensive, long story, also-german!]
so i have booked a flight home to go see my doctor. 

The only problem is because i've never had this illness before,
all the symptoms are new to me and driving me insane with worry.
Have you ever had brain shakes?
Me neither.
Until now.
I think they were caused by my anxiety with this whole situation.
Thankfully they've stopped.
But for a couple of days i had awful head pressure, 
brain shakes,
sore sinuses,
fullness in my ears.
It's just been a rough few days.

On top of feeling like crap,
my anxieties went mad and i convinced myself i have a brain tumour.
[i know right, but i literally cannot help it]

I then found a forum for people with all different kinds of anxiety.
I went on the hypochondriac thread and found a goldmine.
There are so many people like me.
Imagining the worst.
Impending sense of doom.
Constant worry.
It made me feel so much better knowing i wasn't alone.
[and wasn't a freak for thinking this way]

Reading so many posts really calmed me down.
My head shakes have stopped,
my head pressure has gone away,
and i think my right ear is clearing up.

I still had a bad night last night,
mega dizziness.
I think it was all in my head again though.
I got a few hours sleep then napped this afternoon. 

On friday i went on a shopping spree.....
at the chemist.

Check out all my stuff!
Ear cleaning kit.
Nasal rinse bottle and solution.
Sinus tablets.
[yay massage!]
And finally, 
tablets for excess mucus.

My boyfriend suffers with chronic sinus headaches so i
picked up some tiger balm so see if it helps him.
And me.
[selfish buy]

Look how nice the jar is though!
So so cute.

I've gotten into reflexology the past couple of nights.
Massaging the sinus points in my feet and hands.
It's helped a bit, 
which is really cool.
So on monday i'm going to the thai massage parlour down the street
for some real reflexology.
Really looking forward to it.

Long post.
I hope if anyone reading this has anxiety or depression
knows they are not alone and it's not something to be ashamed of.
If anyone ever wants to talk just get in touch.
I have a whole new shiny contact page 
and i'd love to hear from you.


  1. You are very brave to speak so honestly about your anxiety! I am an on and off panicker... Not so much with health but more with work/success/failure anxieties... But I can totally relate. It can be crippling. It's definitely good to find like-minded people, and it looks like you are finding ways of coping really well :) on a lighter note, I love your blog name, it's really fun to say!! xx Rachel

    1. Ah thanks so much :) i used to hate talking about it, but then i realised it affects so many people and it's really not such a taboo subject. I get the same thing with work anxieties, ugh awful. As long as you're happy in life though i guess it kind of makes things seem easier :) x


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