Wednesday, 20 November 2013

And then something just clicks...

Hey guys!
Sorry i've been a bit absent lately, 
been having a bit of an identity crisis.

I seem to have beaten it,
i don't know what happened, 
i just woke up one morning, and something just clicked.

So here's what i've been up to.

If you guys want to look at my other stuff you can find it on my tumblr...


I am working on a few beauty and life posts for y'alls, 
patience is a virtue! 

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

We will never be here again.

We will never be here again.

This quote really struck a chord with me recently.
I am one of those kids who has no plan, no drive, no end game.
Well, i say kid...but in reality i turn 30 in 2 years. 
I have no career, no skills, and no money to my name.

Just so you know,
I'm not ashamed to be admitting this. 

We have the privilege of growing up in a society where anything is possible.
Especially in most recent years.
Kids are told that if they can dream it, they can achieve it.

What is my problem though?
I have so many dreams, but no achievements.
The list of things i want to do is longer than my very short legs!!  

If i were to answer truthfully,
i would not be able to tell you what i want to do with my life. 
The years are passing by like days.
Weeks, months, years.

Too much time is passing with nothing to show for it.

What can i do with my life?
What are my interests?
What could i see myself doing?

Even now that i'm sitting here and forcing myself to think of something,
i'm getting nothing. 

I would however love to be able to paint again.
While away my hours in a room filled with music and my thoughts.
Working on massive canvases.
But where would i store all my stuff?
What's the point in creating if no-one is going to see it?

I love cameras.
Aesthetically, i think they're beautiful.
I love taking pictures.
The surprise of getting a developed film back.
Seeing the results of a sweaty three hour bike ride.

I like recording memories.
I don't want to intimately know a camera.
My memory won't hold all the things i need to remember.
It's frustrating, and it takes the magic of photography away.

I love drawing people and stupid doodling. 
Illustrating overheard conversations is my favourite thing to do.

I used to screen print in my garage, 
i loved that so much.
It was super time consuming and frustrating. 
But when you pull your first run, and it's perfect, 
there's nothing better.

How is doing any of this going to be a career.
How am i going to make money from it??

Whenever i have to do something it becomes unfun,
and i don't want to do it.
There's too much pressure.
I don't think i handle well under pressure.

People are wired differently i think.
Some cope well, better even, under pressure.
They use it to push them forwards,
to keep them interested and motivated.

I can't do that.
I need to be comfortable to work. 
I need that security.
I am so aware of everything i do, 
and so aware of everyone being better at everything than i am.
I'm scared to fail.
I'm scared to look stupid.

But i need to start taking risks.
I need to start doing things again for me. 
I can't turn 30 with nothing.

We will never be here again. 

At the end of it all, what's left?
Star dust.
That is all we are.

When i was younger the one thing i would tell everyone is that
i wanted to be remembered.
I wanted to make a mark on the world.

I have this dream to write a book.
A love story.
A book of illustrations/past note books.
A story for kids.

These are not one and the same,
But this is what i want to do.

I still need a job though!

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