Thursday, 18 August 2011

Being brave is hard.

Hello i am home!! Back in dusty old England! I intend to post properly about my last few days in Berlin and the journey home (drunk pilot i am sure), but first i wrote something today that's mega personal and i wanted to share it with you all.

I am a very self conscious and shy person, and i struggle with my weight and how i look and especially how i look to other people, but the other day i had an epiphany, it's been a long long time coming, and extremely overdue. Sometimes i faked feeling this, but now, finally, i can honestly say it has clicked. In my head and in my heart. So, here goes....

I am plus sized.
(not FAT, that's a horrible, crude sounding word and i don't like it!)

I know to most of you who know me this comes as no shock, but for me it was. For too long a time i didn't look in my head the way everyone else saw me. In my head i was curvy yes, a little bit chubby, but not the size i actually am. I forced myself to look in the mirror and see me for me. I saw a largely overweight girl.

I have never admitted it to myself before. I swear in my head i was half the size i actually am. Going into shops and trying things on was tough. Making excuses when clothes didn't fit, 'oh it was cut badly', 'the material is wrong', 'it's clearly not the size it says on the label'. I always ignored how i looked. Only recently have i openly accepted, and can finally honestly say, with no shame, 'I am plus size.'

It feels elating. I am happy. I am happy with who i am as a person, i am happy with where my life is going, and i have a wonderful and beautiful selection of friends and family who love me and who know me for the real person i am.

To everyone who bitches about me behind my back, everyone who gives me dirty looks, and everyone who treats me differently because i am the size i am, i don't care.
I simply do not care. If you are so shallow as to think that me being overweight makes me a terrible person then i pity you.
If you think that laughing at me because i am a 'fat bitch' hurts me, i pity you.

I admit, being overweight is not healthy, and i am trying to lose weight to combat this, but not for vanity's sake. It's going to take a while to lose the extra bits i don't need, but it's not going to change me as a person.

I have finally realised, and accepted, until i lose the weight i am happy with how i look and will make the most of it. I am going to put effort back into how i look. Just because i am overweight doesn't mean i'm not allowed to look nice. I finally get this. I finally realised this. I am there.

This has been the most difficult thing to write and put online publicly for people to see, and no doubt some of you are wondering, 'well why do it then, why put it on online'. I'll tell you. I needed to do it for me. I needed people to know what i am acknowledging. I just needed to put it out there.

Thank you if you read this.
And thank you if you are one of the people who know me and like me for the person i am. Not dislike me for the size i am.

Much love :) xx


  1. Hi Shell, I felt exactly the same as you and that's why I started my blog 'Fat Frocks' to show that you can dress nicely no matter what size you are and be confident.
    I love clothes so much that I decided to lose a bit of weight. I want to go from a size 24 to 14-16 so I can shop wherever I like, you can read a bit of my story here-
    I hope this blog helps you feel cinfident no matter what size you are.
    There are loads of great plus size blogs out there that will give you some inspiration some of my faves are messy carla, french for cupcake and buttons bows and brogues

  2. Hi Gem, your blog looks so amazing i am going to make myself a nice big cup of tea and sit down and read it all in one go!!
    Thanks for your comment, it's nice to know i'm not alone in feeling this way! You look amazing btw, just checked out your progress, well done :) Thanks for the blog recommendations, will check them out after i'm done with yours!!


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