Saturday, 19 February 2011

Be true to yourself...

So i find today that i am having a slight crisis.
My other half has been offered another 3 month stint in Berlin at a design studio he loves. He is going, obviously, but whether or not i go is an entirely different matter.

Some of you are probably sat there thinking, well it's not really a hard decision is it, if you love him, you'll go with him. The thing is though, this job is amazing for him, but for me it brings up a whole buttload of crap that i now have to deal with. Like now.

Here's the thing, i want to be an illustrator. I think. Or maybe work with books in a publishing house. Or screen print my drawings and print for other people. But the catch.......i'm not certain of these. My main aim in life is to be happy. That's all i want. I am so scared of eventually dying that when i am alive, i want it to be good. But then money comes into it. You need money for everything. Especially to live. And i have none. A whole load of bad decisions are the reason for this. I made them though, so i have to live with them. Do i regret not saving? Of course i do.

So now my choices in life are working crappy jobs until i can find something i want to do for life. Here's the catch though. I don't want to work in service jobs. I don't want to waste my time holding my tongue and being nice to people and serve them and clean up after them and do things for them.

I am also a student, still, at 25. I have one year left on a Fine Art course that i hate. It's not helped me further my career in 2 years, how is the final year going to help? Yes i owe money, but i don't really care. They only start taking it once you're earning so much money and then when they do they just take a percentage. I don't actually have to do anything apart from get a job and make money.

My other half would happily move to Berlin now. I know this. I am quite perceptive. It's good money and he loves what he is doing. It's my dream, but his reality. I want to move with him, find a job there, who knows, maybe i'll be happy in a crap job if i'm in Germany doing illustration on the side. I was happy there last year with no job......but he won't let me move until i finish my course because otherwise, what was the point in me getting myself into all this debt?

I feel as though i am making a mountain out of a mole hill, getting all worked up for no reason. I certainly feel stupid enough.

My plan for this evening was to sit down and think about things. It's proving kind of hard. I am just going over the problem and not coming up with anything near a solution.



  1. I like your site. Thanks! Here is a true story of mine in return.

    Lisa Nicole Lopes had premonitions about her own death, but she wasn't able to avoid it, despite the early warnings. I feel that I can relate to her, but I dealt with similar suspicions (of my own) differently than she did and I, unlike her, am here to tell you what I did to survive my first encounter with The Reaper.

    Lisa Lopes was better known as Left Eye (a nickname that a boyfriend gave her because he said that her left eye was lazy). She was one of three singers in the 80's band TLC. Her premonitions about her own death and subsequent untimely demise are well documented, because Lisa and a crew were filming a documentary in Honduras during the time. Left Eye Lopes spoke on film about her omen, and again after a car that she was riding in had run over and killed a young boy. She lamented that the spirit that killed the boy was actually aiming for her but had missed.

    Lopes paid for the little boy's funeral and did what she could to comfort the lost lad's family. Apparently Left Eye was right about the spirit that haunted her, because a month after the boy's death, Lopes died in a car crash (in Honduras). This time she was driving. Lisa was the only one in the vehicle that was wearing a seat-belt, but she died... and everyone else survived.

    After hearing a story like this, some would say that it was Lisa's time, and that there wasn't anything that she could do to avoid it. Had I not gone through a similar situation, I might agree. But since I did, I don't.

    There was a time when I felt like (my) death was close to me. I ignored the eery feelings for awhile, chocking them up to pessimism, but eventually I faced the strengthening force, first by admitting to my self that it existed. Left Eye got this far, but recognizing spirits isn't rocket science for god's sake. You have to fight shit like this, not freeze like a deer caught in the headlights!


    It was 1986 and I was in Davenport, Iowa, when I finally decided to face the Reaper before he faced me. Since the Reaper has no face, I'm speaking figuratively.
    I was sitting on a bar stool when a fellow came in asking if anyone wanted to get a tattoo. We chatted, and before too long I was the customer that he was looking for. We left the bar and went to a little garage space that he tattooed out of. The scene was totally unprofessional, as far as tattoo shops go, but since I was a carny (carnival guy) it wasn't anything new to me. I stopped the artist from apologizing for the place and we got down to the business of picking something out to tattoo on me.

    There wasn't a lot to choose from, no walls of colorful flash or volumes of designs just a single, thinly filled, loose leaf binder. Having never wanted a skull tattoo, I surprised myself by selecting one with a black rose between it's teeth. "That's the Black Rose Of Death tattoo," the needler told me. "Perfect," I proclaimed! "It's just what I need to fight the reaper. Put it on my left arm where I can keep my eye on him.¨

    I believe that the left represents the spiritual side and the right represents the physical side, so my tattoos are placed accordingly. One month later, in Chicago, I was stabbed (in the heart and stomach) to death. The doctor that saved me, said that I have a new birthday and... I still have that tattoo, too.

  2. hi, thanks for your comment, i was a massive fan of tlc and didn't know this about left eye! your story is amazing, i don't really know what to say in response to that, well done doesn't quite cut it really does it!? i am a bit of a tattoo collector myself so i like this story even more so :) thank you again for sharing


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...