Monday, 6 May 2013

Weight loss journey - ongoing

 This is a difficult post to write. 
It might end up being really long, so thanks for reading in advance.

I've always been a big girl. 
Not overweight necessarily, you know some girls are tiny, then some are built bigger?
I think that's me. 

I also have an addiction that doesn't help my situation.
People might, no, people will laugh. 

Yep, that's right. Crisps.
Those beautiful, yet evil, little fried potato slices. 
I love them. Everything about them.
I'm a crisp junkie. For serious.
I think about them before i go to sleep, and as soon as i wake up.
I plan my day around when i can eat them, and i plan which ones to eat and when.
If my boyfriend is home unexpectedly and i can't eat any, i freak out.
Inner turmoil. 
I have to plan when i can next have some, and try breathing exercises to calm down.
I'm not kidding.

I eat crisps like it's nobody's business.
I know they are the reason i have put so much weight on.
My addiction, and the fact that i eat emotionally.

I have depression. 
Sometimes it's barely there, sometimes it's sitting on my shoulders and whispering horrible things into my ears and heart. 
When i get sad, or mad, or lonely, i reach for a packet of crisps. 
When i'm deep in a depression, that's a lot of crisps. 

The reason i get sad, mad and lonely?
Because i'm so overweight.
A vicious, vicious cycle.
"No-one likes me because i'm fat" *eats*
"I can't buy clothes i like because i'm fat" *eats*
"I can't talk to them, they'll laugh at how i look". *eats*
All the time.

I went on a [faddy] diet a few years ago. 
I lost about 3 and a half stone. 
I felt so good about myself, so confident.
But because it was a diet similar to the atkins diet [just meats and greens], as soon as i tried to reintroduce other foods [carbs, natural sugars, etc] the weight PILED back on. 
So after that, i just gave up caring, and ate. 

Here's a photo of me then.
This is how i want to be again.
You can see i'm not skinny skinny, but i was happy.
I really don't care about being thin.
I just want to be a weight, a size, that i feel comfortable with.
A size that gives me the confidence i have lost.
This is what i'm aiming for.

Last year i saw a photo of myself and my face was so round.
As round as the moon.
I was disgusted.
I decided to make a change.
No more diets, i am going to eat healthy, lots of fruit, lots of veg, and no crisps.
Change my lifestyle, not just diet.

So i did.
Something just clicked.
I made my boyfriend take a photo of me on day one.
I weighed 126.6k.
The buttons on my favourite shirt didn't even fasten.
But i didn't mind, i was going to change.

Two weeks later, after cutting out sugar, crisps, and creamy/buttery foods, i'd lost almost 7k.
That's roughly a stone. 
I made my boyfriend take another photo so i could compare.
Look at that!
I see a difference! 

A month or so after that, i'd lost 10k.
I could finally do up my shirt!
It was clingy, but hey, it fastened. 


After the last photo was taken i weighed 114k, and we went home for xmas.
I ate, not excessively, and was happy.
I had my family, people to talk to, and my dog!

I returned to Berlin in January and my depression crept back up.
It hit me right between the eyes, and it hit me hard.
It was cold, it kept snowing, and i was so very lonely. 

I started eating crisps again in the day, to get me through.
I put weight back on.
By April, i was back to the second photo, about 117k.
I'd say to myself every monday, 
"start today, eat better again",
But i always put it off, pushed it back.

Then the sun came out and melted all the snow.
My mood changed immediately.
I felt like i was ready again, like i could do it.

So that's what i did.
Last monday i made the decision.
I started eating better.
I drank water all day.
My new eating plan coincided with the first day of my period.
Lovely, great timing.
But it kind of helped, i fought through it.
When i craved sweet, i ate fresh pineapple. So good! 
Every time i got a crisp craving i'd push it down. Remind myself how well i was doing.

I worked out everyday.
45 minutes.
It seemed a lot of hard work, and in the beginning i tried to talk myself out of it. 
But i did it, and afterwards, it felt so good.

At some point in the week the cravings went.
I'm going home on Wednesday, and i want to feel good about myself.
I can't believe it, but i'm on my way.
My skin in 100% better, despite being on.
My clothes fit better, not great, but better.
I've lost 2k. 

Sorry about the photobooth picture quality!

I'm still fat yes.
But i won't be for long. 
I changed my way of thinking.
I know i'm going to have a good summer because of it.
And I can't wait. 

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