September in a nutshell

My bowl next to my boyfriends.

I like milk with my cereal ok!!

September was a pretty quiet month for me. 

Pretty much all i did was start a fitness routine, 

watch what i ate,

and re-watch almost all of the Office.

The American one of course,

i really can't stand the UK Office.

John Krasinski is just a dream.

The episode where Dwight wears the 3 wolf moon tee was on

and it made me want to dig mine out.

Hello gorgeous! 

Ha.

I have a wedding coming up in a few weeks,

it's at the Tower of London no less.

I'm not the girliest of girls so wearing a flowery frock,

or a dress of any kind in fact,

is something i'm just not into.

I've been desperately,

DESPERATELY,

scouring asos curve for something decent to wear.

I'm thinking a plain jumper with a pencil skirt.

I don't know though,

i don't want to buy something that i'll only wear this one time.

Help?!?!?!

In other news...

My boyfriend and i celebrated 10 years together.

We're not big on romance etc,

we just ordered a couple of pizzas from Pizza Pimps.

Sexy.

I have to say, when you order a pizza,

[if you have a pan big enough]

put your pizza in the pan and stick a lid on it,

full heat, 

for about 5-10 minutes.

Beautiful!

It tastes fresh out of the oven.

Do it!

I got myself some new make up this month,

and a couple of days ago i spent a whole day uploading photos

and writing drafts.

So although i have been absent this past few weeks 

[with nothing to show for it!]

i have a few posts ready.

I'll be telling you about my trip to the zoo,

my mini haul,

couple of make up reviews, 

my shockingly brilliant spot cream,

a varied amount of crap.

Speak soon guys!

Weight loss // Progress

I've started this post abut 5 times now!

I didn't know whether this was something i wanted to share or not,

but,

this is exactly the kind of post i love reading so,

here goes...

I have never been happy with my weight.

For as long as i can remember i've been a yoyo dieter. 

The other thing i hate,

in all honesty,

is that society makes me feel this way.

I hate that the reason i am like this

is because i want people to look at me and not judge me for my size.

But anyway, 

that is a whole other post!!

[i'll bet you're looking forward to that rant]

Last year i hit rock bottom.

I think i was the heaviest i've ever been.

I avoided mirrors,

i avoided going out.

I gave up on everything.

I am a crisp addict.

No joke.

I eat crisps like smokers smoke.

And if i don't get crisps, 

i sweat, and panic, until i get my crisps.

If you think i'm exaggerating, 

then you don't understand.

I was miserable.

The last straw was when i went go karting

for a friend's birthday.

The guys who ran it made me sit in a kart,

with everyone watching,

before accepting any money from me and giving me a helmet...

to make sure i fit into it.

I know it sounds like nothing,

but i promise you, it was humiliating.

I walked out and cried for the whole rest of the day.

I was mortified.

The following day i decided to make a change.

I stopped binge eating.

I stopped eating from boredom. 

I was unhappy so i ate to make myself feel better,

which made me feel worse, 

so i ate more.

You know the story.

I made a change and stopped the cycle.

I didn't do any crazy diet,

nothing.

This was my plan...

i got up and worked out,

i ate a bowl of cereal.

I ate my dinner which was ryvitas with cream cheese.

The next time i ate was tea time.

Lots of veggies, meat, pasta etc.

Healthy, good food. 

I ended up losing 10 kilos in 2 months. 

Then i went home for christmas...

big mistake!

I stopped working out and i ate shit again!

From Dec - June i worked out occasionally,

but ate like i used to.

Crisps were back in my life.

I gained about 2 kilos.

From June - August i got really ill,

and physically couldn't work out.

So it got worse.

I didn't put weight on though,

which was a blessing.

During the time i was in the UK i was invited to a wedding.

It's a really special wedding,

the girl getting married is part of a family i count as my second family.

What makes it even more special...

she's getting married in the chapel in the tower of london.

Yep, her dad's a beefeater. 

The thought of attending this wedding, 

looking like i do now, 

in front of all those guests

[and tourists!!]

made me break out into a sweat.

I wanted to look back at this wedding and be happy to see myself in the pictures.

So, decision made, back on healthy eating.

I have been working out every morning, 

and power walking every night,

for the past two and a half weeks.

I've lost 4 kilos so far.

It's been such a boost.

Again, all i am doing is exercise and eating healthy.

I've found a dress on the zara website that i want to wear so i have a goal.

I know it's going to take time, 

but i'm going to keep going until i feel comfortable in myself.

Weight doesn't matter,

it's how i feel.

I've been feeling discouraged, 

but after taking this morning's progress picture

i feel a little more excited. 

The wedding is the last weekend in October.

I am taking it one day at a time, 

and i know i can do this. 

>.<

The story behind the denim shirt....

when i bought it, it hung really nicely on me.

I want to get back to that feeling,

i'm getting there, 

definitely.

Also...maybe...i think it's time for the ombre to go!

Thanks for reading guys :) 

My real face, why i don't do OOTD posts

So this is me.

Boo!

No make up, lazy eye, standard garb.

Being overweight and unhappy, i live in 'comfy' clothes. 

Joggers, t-shirts, loose tunic tops. 

I hardly wear make up, what's the point, and i never go out. 

As you know, i'm trying to lose weight, and am currently unhappy with how i look.

Regular clothes don't fit me.

This makes having a style difficult. 

I see so many clothes i love.

I might start a weekly 'what i would wear if i was thinner' type post?

I hate clingy clothes though, and i hate people looking at my body and judging me as a person as a result of how i look.

This might change when i lose weight, it might not.

At the minute though, you won't get any outfit of the day posts from me!

Until i am more confident in myself, and, ahem, actually own clothes worthy of shooting, i won't be participating in OOTD.

In the meantime though, i'm sure you've all seen this video from Dove?

It's heartbreaking at first, knowing that's how you would describe yourself, negatively; but then you see the women's faces at the end, and it's just beautiful.

I'm sure every woman thinks this way, and to show it from the other side, is just genius.

Personally, i love the message behind this video.

Weight loss journey - ongoing

 This is a difficult post to write. 

It might end up being really long, so thanks for reading in advance.

I've always been a big girl. 

Not overweight necessarily, you know some girls are tiny, then some are built bigger?

I think that's me. 

I also have an addiction that doesn't help my situation.

People might, no, people will laugh. 

Yep, that's right. Crisps.

Those beautiful, yet evil, little fried potato slices. 

I love them. Everything about them.

I'm a crisp junkie. For serious.

I think about them before i go to sleep, and as soon as i wake up.

I plan my day around when i can eat them, and i plan which ones to eat and when.

If my boyfriend is home unexpectedly and i can't eat any, i freak out.

Inner turmoil. 

I have to plan when i can next have some, and try breathing exercises to calm down.

I'm not kidding.

I eat crisps like it's nobody's business.

I know they are the reason i have put so much weight on.

My addiction, and the fact that i eat emotionally.

I have depression. 

Sometimes it's barely there, sometimes it's sitting on my shoulders and whispering horrible things into my ears and heart. 

When i get sad, or mad, or lonely, i reach for a packet of crisps. 

When i'm deep in a depression, that's a lot of crisps. 

The reason i get sad, mad and lonely?

Because i'm so overweight.

A vicious, vicious cycle.

"No-one likes me because i'm fat" *eats*

"I can't buy clothes i like because i'm fat" *eats*

"I can't talk to them, they'll laugh at how i look". *eats*

All the time.

I went on a [faddy] diet a few years ago. 

I lost about 3 and a half stone. 

I felt so good about myself, so confident.

But because it was a diet similar to the atkins diet [just meats and greens], as soon as i tried to reintroduce other foods [carbs, natural sugars, etc] the weight PILED back on. 

So after that, i just gave up caring, and ate. 

Here's a photo of me then.

This is how i want to be again.

You can see i'm not skinny skinny, but i was happy.

I really don't care about being thin.

I just want to be a weight, a size, that i feel comfortable with.

A size that gives me the confidence i have lost.

This is what i'm aiming for.

Happiness.

Last year i saw a photo of myself and my face was so round.

As round as the moon.

I was disgusted.

I decided to make a change.

No more diets, i am going to eat healthy, lots of fruit, lots of veg, and no crisps.

Change my lifestyle, not just diet.

So i did.

Something just clicked.

I made my boyfriend take a photo of me on day one.

I weighed 126.6k.

The buttons on my favourite shirt didn't even fasten.

But i didn't mind, i was going to change.

Two weeks later, after cutting out sugar, crisps, and creamy/buttery foods, i'd lost almost 7k.

That's roughly a stone. 

I made my boyfriend take another photo so i could compare.

Look at that!

I see a difference! 

A month or so after that, i'd lost 10k.

I could finally do up my shirt!

It was clingy, but hey, it fastened. 

Progress!

After the last photo was taken i weighed 114k, and we went home for xmas.

I ate, not excessively, and was happy.

I had my family, people to talk to, and my dog!

I returned to Berlin in January and my depression crept back up.

It hit me right between the eyes, and it hit me hard.

It was cold, it kept snowing, and i was so very lonely. 

I started eating crisps again in the day, to get me through.

I put weight back on.

By April, i was back to the second photo, about 117k.

I'd say to myself every monday, 

"start today, eat better again",

But i always put it off, pushed it back.

Then the sun came out and melted all the snow.

My mood changed immediately.

I felt like i was ready again, like i could do it.

So that's what i did.

Last monday i made the decision.

I started eating better.

I drank water all day.

My new eating plan coincided with the first day of my period.

Lovely, great timing.

But it kind of helped, i fought through it.

When i craved sweet, i ate fresh pineapple. So good! 

Every time i got a crisp craving i'd push it down. Remind myself how well i was doing.

I worked out everyday.

45 minutes.

It seemed a lot of hard work, and in the beginning i tried to talk myself out of it. 

But i did it, and afterwards, it felt so good.

At some point in the week the cravings went.

I'm going home on Wednesday, and i want to feel good about myself.

I can't believe it, but i'm on my way.

My skin in 100% better, despite being on.

My clothes fit better, not great, but better.

I've lost 2k. 

Sorry about the photobooth picture quality!

I'm still fat yes.

But i won't be for long. 

I changed my way of thinking.

I know i'm going to have a good summer because of it.

And I can't wait. 

Healthy eating, losing weight.

The trick to losing weight is...

Eating well and exercise!

Would you believe it?!

I never did. I've struggled with my weight for so long.

I've been on so many faddy diets.

If i was a few years younger, i would probably be doing the 5:2 diet right now.

But i am older, wiser, and more experienced.

I've found the only way to steadily and successfully lose weight is the way everyone has been telling me for a great many years. 

I cut out crisps, i cut out sweets/chocolate, and i limit my carbs.

I rarely use oil, cream and butter when cooking my food.

I start my day with a big glass of water, do my Jillian Michaels dvd, and then have breakfast.

I have cracker-breads for lunch, fruit for snacks, and yummy teas. 

Here is one of my favourite teas for a warm week night. 

Fajita Chicken on an open sandwich

We googled 'fajita rub', made up a jar, and now use it all the time.

It flavours your meat and veggies so well.

The rub we use has paprika, garlic & onion powder, cumin, and all kinds of yummy smelling spices.

Heat up your griddle pan and throw the chicken on in it's spice rub.

HOT HOT!

While that's grilling away [no oil], prep your bread.

I used a german 'ei-weiß' loaf.

It's moist, and really seedy.

Instead of margarine or butter i spread a thin layer of light cream cheese on the bread.

Add lettuce, cucumber, radish, twist of salt and pepper and your steamy spicy chicken.

Stand back and admire your irritatingly easy tea.

Then chow down.

Nom!

I have been 'healthy eating' for almost a week, and i've lost nearly 2k.

It's not easy, i'm not going to lie.

But i want my nice clothes to fit again, so i have to try, i owe it to myself.

I tried a shirt on last night and it's a little looser.

I don't rely on my scales, because i know your weight changes ALL OF THE DAY.

I prefer to find an item of clothing that i don't wear because it's gotten clingy.

Then i'll try this item on at the end of every 7 days.

My current item is a size 18 denim shirt from Next.

I used to be able to wear it fastened, with leggings, and it would be loose, not tight.

I have another post coming up this week about my weight struggles and current loss.

Whether or not you'll find it interesting i'm not sure.

But i'm super proud and want to share my story is all :)