My real face, why i don't do OOTD posts

So this is me.

Boo!

No make up, lazy eye, standard garb.

Being overweight and unhappy, i live in 'comfy' clothes. 

Joggers, t-shirts, loose tunic tops. 

I hardly wear make up, what's the point, and i never go out. 

As you know, i'm trying to lose weight, and am currently unhappy with how i look.

Regular clothes don't fit me.

This makes having a style difficult. 

I see so many clothes i love.

I might start a weekly 'what i would wear if i was thinner' type post?

I hate clingy clothes though, and i hate people looking at my body and judging me as a person as a result of how i look.

This might change when i lose weight, it might not.

At the minute though, you won't get any outfit of the day posts from me!

Until i am more confident in myself, and, ahem, actually own clothes worthy of shooting, i won't be participating in OOTD.

In the meantime though, i'm sure you've all seen this video from Dove?

It's heartbreaking at first, knowing that's how you would describe yourself, negatively; but then you see the women's faces at the end, and it's just beautiful.

I'm sure every woman thinks this way, and to show it from the other side, is just genius.

Personally, i love the message behind this video.

Watermelon & strawberry lemonade [kind of]

I found a recipe similar to this on Pinterest and fancied having a go myself!

I used half a watermelon, 1 lemon, and half a punnet of strawberries i had in the fridge.

You also need to add a couple of cups of water, and a few tablespoons of sugar [if needed] to taste.

We decided to forget about the sugar, didn't think the drink needed it!

So to begin, chop up your melon, and whizz up.

You may need to do this in batches, depending on how much melon you have!

I could not be bothered taking the seeds out, so i whizzed, then sieved.

Easy!

And it gets rid of that extra mulch.

Chop strawbs and whizz them up too, add to melon juice.

Squeeze in a lemon, or two, keep tasting and go by how you feel.

Et voila! 

A healthy, fresh [if a little thick, we added more water] summery thirst quencher!

Lookit the cute strawberry seeds left in the bowl! N'aaww.

Tasty!

This is a super easy drink to make.

Don't worry about specifics with measurements and amounts.

Just taste as you go, it'll turn out great either way.

We added too much lemon the first time, [three infact!] so next time we cut it down to one, yums!

Weight loss journey - ongoing

 This is a difficult post to write. 

It might end up being really long, so thanks for reading in advance.

I've always been a big girl. 

Not overweight necessarily, you know some girls are tiny, then some are built bigger?

I think that's me. 

I also have an addiction that doesn't help my situation.

People might, no, people will laugh. 

Yep, that's right. Crisps.

Those beautiful, yet evil, little fried potato slices. 

I love them. Everything about them.

I'm a crisp junkie. For serious.

I think about them before i go to sleep, and as soon as i wake up.

I plan my day around when i can eat them, and i plan which ones to eat and when.

If my boyfriend is home unexpectedly and i can't eat any, i freak out.

Inner turmoil. 

I have to plan when i can next have some, and try breathing exercises to calm down.

I'm not kidding.

I eat crisps like it's nobody's business.

I know they are the reason i have put so much weight on.

My addiction, and the fact that i eat emotionally.

I have depression. 

Sometimes it's barely there, sometimes it's sitting on my shoulders and whispering horrible things into my ears and heart. 

When i get sad, or mad, or lonely, i reach for a packet of crisps. 

When i'm deep in a depression, that's a lot of crisps. 

The reason i get sad, mad and lonely?

Because i'm so overweight.

A vicious, vicious cycle.

"No-one likes me because i'm fat" *eats*

"I can't buy clothes i like because i'm fat" *eats*

"I can't talk to them, they'll laugh at how i look". *eats*

All the time.

I went on a [faddy] diet a few years ago. 

I lost about 3 and a half stone. 

I felt so good about myself, so confident.

But because it was a diet similar to the atkins diet [just meats and greens], as soon as i tried to reintroduce other foods [carbs, natural sugars, etc] the weight PILED back on. 

So after that, i just gave up caring, and ate. 

Here's a photo of me then.

This is how i want to be again.

You can see i'm not skinny skinny, but i was happy.

I really don't care about being thin.

I just want to be a weight, a size, that i feel comfortable with.

A size that gives me the confidence i have lost.

This is what i'm aiming for.

Happiness.

Last year i saw a photo of myself and my face was so round.

As round as the moon.

I was disgusted.

I decided to make a change.

No more diets, i am going to eat healthy, lots of fruit, lots of veg, and no crisps.

Change my lifestyle, not just diet.

So i did.

Something just clicked.

I made my boyfriend take a photo of me on day one.

I weighed 126.6k.

The buttons on my favourite shirt didn't even fasten.

But i didn't mind, i was going to change.

Two weeks later, after cutting out sugar, crisps, and creamy/buttery foods, i'd lost almost 7k.

That's roughly a stone. 

I made my boyfriend take another photo so i could compare.

Look at that!

I see a difference! 

A month or so after that, i'd lost 10k.

I could finally do up my shirt!

It was clingy, but hey, it fastened. 

Progress!

After the last photo was taken i weighed 114k, and we went home for xmas.

I ate, not excessively, and was happy.

I had my family, people to talk to, and my dog!

I returned to Berlin in January and my depression crept back up.

It hit me right between the eyes, and it hit me hard.

It was cold, it kept snowing, and i was so very lonely. 

I started eating crisps again in the day, to get me through.

I put weight back on.

By April, i was back to the second photo, about 117k.

I'd say to myself every monday, 

"start today, eat better again",

But i always put it off, pushed it back.

Then the sun came out and melted all the snow.

My mood changed immediately.

I felt like i was ready again, like i could do it.

So that's what i did.

Last monday i made the decision.

I started eating better.

I drank water all day.

My new eating plan coincided with the first day of my period.

Lovely, great timing.

But it kind of helped, i fought through it.

When i craved sweet, i ate fresh pineapple. So good! 

Every time i got a crisp craving i'd push it down. Remind myself how well i was doing.

I worked out everyday.

45 minutes.

It seemed a lot of hard work, and in the beginning i tried to talk myself out of it. 

But i did it, and afterwards, it felt so good.

At some point in the week the cravings went.

I'm going home on Wednesday, and i want to feel good about myself.

I can't believe it, but i'm on my way.

My skin in 100% better, despite being on.

My clothes fit better, not great, but better.

I've lost 2k. 

Sorry about the photobooth picture quality!

I'm still fat yes.

But i won't be for long. 

I changed my way of thinking.

I know i'm going to have a good summer because of it.

And I can't wait. 

Sunday Summary

Morning sleepy heads!

1. Made a peg bag  2.Standard lunch  3. Roasted veg, cous cous, halloumi  4. DOG IN A BASKET

5. Repping the Make Do And Mend boys  6. BBQ in Mauerpark 

We're heading home on Wednesday for 10 days and i cannot wait!

As a result of this, my week has been busy and repetitive.

I feel like all i've done is make bunting, make washi tape toothpick flags, and do load after load after load of washing. Doesn't make for a great set of photos let me tell you!

Poor washing machine.

Tomorrow marks my first crisp free week in a long time!

Pat on the back for me.

I'd rather celebrate with a bag of crisps but hey, i promised myself to wait until we get to the UK.

I love sundays.

Sundays in May mean a new Game of Thrones episode.

So after my workout tomorrow, i get to settle down and watch episode 6, 'The Climb".

I CAN'T WAIT!

I'm a book reader, so i'm most excited for episode 8 as i know what's coming, but every single one so far has blown me away.

I am astounded,

The writing, the special effects, the way they've handled the story.

Just brilliant.

Ah, getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

Hope you've all had a good weekend :)

Any GoT/ASOIAF nerds out there?

Healthy eating, losing weight.

The trick to losing weight is...

Eating well and exercise!

Would you believe it?!

I never did. I've struggled with my weight for so long.

I've been on so many faddy diets.

If i was a few years younger, i would probably be doing the 5:2 diet right now.

But i am older, wiser, and more experienced.

I've found the only way to steadily and successfully lose weight is the way everyone has been telling me for a great many years. 

I cut out crisps, i cut out sweets/chocolate, and i limit my carbs.

I rarely use oil, cream and butter when cooking my food.

I start my day with a big glass of water, do my Jillian Michaels dvd, and then have breakfast.

I have cracker-breads for lunch, fruit for snacks, and yummy teas. 

Here is one of my favourite teas for a warm week night. 

Fajita Chicken on an open sandwich

We googled 'fajita rub', made up a jar, and now use it all the time.

It flavours your meat and veggies so well.

The rub we use has paprika, garlic & onion powder, cumin, and all kinds of yummy smelling spices.

Heat up your griddle pan and throw the chicken on in it's spice rub.

HOT HOT!

While that's grilling away [no oil], prep your bread.

I used a german 'ei-weiß' loaf.

It's moist, and really seedy.

Instead of margarine or butter i spread a thin layer of light cream cheese on the bread.

Add lettuce, cucumber, radish, twist of salt and pepper and your steamy spicy chicken.

Stand back and admire your irritatingly easy tea.

Then chow down.

Nom!

I have been 'healthy eating' for almost a week, and i've lost nearly 2k.

It's not easy, i'm not going to lie.

But i want my nice clothes to fit again, so i have to try, i owe it to myself.

I tried a shirt on last night and it's a little looser.

I don't rely on my scales, because i know your weight changes ALL OF THE DAY.

I prefer to find an item of clothing that i don't wear because it's gotten clingy.

Then i'll try this item on at the end of every 7 days.

My current item is a size 18 denim shirt from Next.

I used to be able to wear it fastened, with leggings, and it would be loose, not tight.

I have another post coming up this week about my weight struggles and current loss.

Whether or not you'll find it interesting i'm not sure.

But i'm super proud and want to share my story is all :)