Weight loss // Progress

I've started this post abut 5 times now!

I didn't know whether this was something i wanted to share or not,

but,

this is exactly the kind of post i love reading so,

here goes...

I have never been happy with my weight.

For as long as i can remember i've been a yoyo dieter. 

The other thing i hate,

in all honesty,

is that society makes me feel this way.

I hate that the reason i am like this

is because i want people to look at me and not judge me for my size.

But anyway, 

that is a whole other post!!

[i'll bet you're looking forward to that rant]

Last year i hit rock bottom.

I think i was the heaviest i've ever been.

I avoided mirrors,

i avoided going out.

I gave up on everything.

I am a crisp addict.

No joke.

I eat crisps like smokers smoke.

And if i don't get crisps, 

i sweat, and panic, until i get my crisps.

If you think i'm exaggerating, 

then you don't understand.

I was miserable.

The last straw was when i went go karting

for a friend's birthday.

The guys who ran it made me sit in a kart,

with everyone watching,

before accepting any money from me and giving me a helmet...

to make sure i fit into it.

I know it sounds like nothing,

but i promise you, it was humiliating.

I walked out and cried for the whole rest of the day.

I was mortified.

The following day i decided to make a change.

I stopped binge eating.

I stopped eating from boredom. 

I was unhappy so i ate to make myself feel better,

which made me feel worse, 

so i ate more.

You know the story.

I made a change and stopped the cycle.

I didn't do any crazy diet,

nothing.

This was my plan...

i got up and worked out,

i ate a bowl of cereal.

I ate my dinner which was ryvitas with cream cheese.

The next time i ate was tea time.

Lots of veggies, meat, pasta etc.

Healthy, good food. 

I ended up losing 10 kilos in 2 months. 

Then i went home for christmas...

big mistake!

I stopped working out and i ate shit again!

From Dec - June i worked out occasionally,

but ate like i used to.

Crisps were back in my life.

I gained about 2 kilos.

From June - August i got really ill,

and physically couldn't work out.

So it got worse.

I didn't put weight on though,

which was a blessing.

During the time i was in the UK i was invited to a wedding.

It's a really special wedding,

the girl getting married is part of a family i count as my second family.

What makes it even more special...

she's getting married in the chapel in the tower of london.

Yep, her dad's a beefeater. 

The thought of attending this wedding, 

looking like i do now, 

in front of all those guests

[and tourists!!]

made me break out into a sweat.

I wanted to look back at this wedding and be happy to see myself in the pictures.

So, decision made, back on healthy eating.

I have been working out every morning, 

and power walking every night,

for the past two and a half weeks.

I've lost 4 kilos so far.

It's been such a boost.

Again, all i am doing is exercise and eating healthy.

I've found a dress on the zara website that i want to wear so i have a goal.

I know it's going to take time, 

but i'm going to keep going until i feel comfortable in myself.

Weight doesn't matter,

it's how i feel.

I've been feeling discouraged, 

but after taking this morning's progress picture

i feel a little more excited. 

The wedding is the last weekend in October.

I am taking it one day at a time, 

and i know i can do this. 

>.<

The story behind the denim shirt....

when i bought it, it hung really nicely on me.

I want to get back to that feeling,

i'm getting there, 

definitely.

Also...maybe...i think it's time for the ombre to go!

Thanks for reading guys :) 

My hair. A journey in pictures.

While i was home last week we looked through a lot, A LOT, of old photos.

One thing that struck me was that i can never just stick with a hair style.

If i have it long, i want to cut it.

If it's short, i want to grow it.

If it's pink, i want green.

There are just so many options!

Luckily i have been pretty blessed in that my hair has only once given up on me. 

An unfortunate bleaching was the catalyst for the ultimate pixie cut.

More stories below :)

Ah. Starting my hair history as any good German girl would. 

With hair that inspired the 'boy in a dress' nickname from my class in kindergarten. 

Followed by a mullet. I think my face says it all.

Thanks parents.

I'll repay the favour when you're old and can't stop me >.<

Now we have a big jump to late teens/early 20's.

All my primary school and high school era photos are back in England.

Oh no. How awful. Now you'll never see them. Darn it.

So as i got older, and got a boyfriend, i was introduced to a lot of music i'd never heard before.

When you spend the first 8 years of your life in Germany, and your parents aren't big music listeners anyway, this is not something i'm really ashamed of.

I got into punk pretty heavily. 

Rancid. Bad Religion. The Distillers. The Clash.

To name but a few early favourites.

My boyfriend was in a band also, which opened my eyes to a whole new lifestyle.

After first experimenting with pink streaks, and bleached hair, i branched out and cut me a mohawk.

I just did it one day. It was awesome.

The only annoying thing was styling it up. It always flopped.

So i tied it back, then when it got long i had dreads put in.

After punk i developed a rockabilly style. 

Bright red, longer hair with quiffs and cutesy hair clips.

Occasionally i'd chop it all off after deciding to grow it, get bored, then bleach and colour it. 

I'm an introvert, but i love nothing more than people noticing my hair. 

Weird. 

This followed the rockabilly, i'd curl it like Marilyn or any other pin up.

I never tried the victory rolls, just went for a curly sue kinda look.

I love my make up on here, i just can't recreate it.

It looks so easy aswel! I think it's the eyeliner i keep messing up...

So one day a couple of years ago i went home to go to Rebellion in Blackpool.

It's a punk festival, some of my favourite bands were playing, why not.

While there i was struck by how many of the girls had white blonde hair. 

It made me remember mine and i got a bit nostalgic, decided i wanted to go white again.

Bleached it. 

No problem. Gave it a week or so, bleached it again.

Now...i've done this before and never had any problems. Maybe my diet had messed me up?

Either way, i screwed up.

When i woke up the next day, the ends of my hair were still wet.

Whaaaat? 

I went to the hairdresser, she basically said all the minerals had been stripped and my hair was clinging onto any moisture it could. 

I had a trim, went back to Berlin, and looked after my hair.

It grew, and, inevitably, i got bored, decided to get a shorter style cut in.

Nothing drastic, just a style that would replenish my hair, didn't need much fuss etc.....

This is how long it got, the longest it's been for years. 

Then this happened. 

I'll just let it sink in.

...

I said i'd like a short rockabilly style fringe, just a few inches off etc etc. 

She seemingly interpreted that as 'please give me a barely there fringe, and leave only a couple of inches all over, thanks'.

Can you tell i'd been crying in the photo above?! 

Then i realised i was being silly and acting like the girl who says she's ok with getting her hair cut on ANTM, then cries the whole time she is getting a tiny trim or fringe cut in. 

It eventually grew out.

It actually really helped my hair, and, after the initial shock, i started to like it.

After this photo i found a guy from south america [i think] who did house calls and who had trained at Vidal Sassoon. 

I told him i needed a style cut in, but that i wanted to grow it. 

He gave me a really subtle long bob, a tiny bit shorter at the back, and i love it. 

 So there you have it.

A tiny snippet of my hair history. 

Hope you enjoyed the embarrassing myspace-esque early photos ha :D

My real face, why i don't do OOTD posts

So this is me.

Boo!

No make up, lazy eye, standard garb.

Being overweight and unhappy, i live in 'comfy' clothes. 

Joggers, t-shirts, loose tunic tops. 

I hardly wear make up, what's the point, and i never go out. 

As you know, i'm trying to lose weight, and am currently unhappy with how i look.

Regular clothes don't fit me.

This makes having a style difficult. 

I see so many clothes i love.

I might start a weekly 'what i would wear if i was thinner' type post?

I hate clingy clothes though, and i hate people looking at my body and judging me as a person as a result of how i look.

This might change when i lose weight, it might not.

At the minute though, you won't get any outfit of the day posts from me!

Until i am more confident in myself, and, ahem, actually own clothes worthy of shooting, i won't be participating in OOTD.

In the meantime though, i'm sure you've all seen this video from Dove?

It's heartbreaking at first, knowing that's how you would describe yourself, negatively; but then you see the women's faces at the end, and it's just beautiful.

I'm sure every woman thinks this way, and to show it from the other side, is just genius.

Personally, i love the message behind this video.

Weight loss journey - ongoing

 This is a difficult post to write. 

It might end up being really long, so thanks for reading in advance.

I've always been a big girl. 

Not overweight necessarily, you know some girls are tiny, then some are built bigger?

I think that's me. 

I also have an addiction that doesn't help my situation.

People might, no, people will laugh. 

Yep, that's right. Crisps.

Those beautiful, yet evil, little fried potato slices. 

I love them. Everything about them.

I'm a crisp junkie. For serious.

I think about them before i go to sleep, and as soon as i wake up.

I plan my day around when i can eat them, and i plan which ones to eat and when.

If my boyfriend is home unexpectedly and i can't eat any, i freak out.

Inner turmoil. 

I have to plan when i can next have some, and try breathing exercises to calm down.

I'm not kidding.

I eat crisps like it's nobody's business.

I know they are the reason i have put so much weight on.

My addiction, and the fact that i eat emotionally.

I have depression. 

Sometimes it's barely there, sometimes it's sitting on my shoulders and whispering horrible things into my ears and heart. 

When i get sad, or mad, or lonely, i reach for a packet of crisps. 

When i'm deep in a depression, that's a lot of crisps. 

The reason i get sad, mad and lonely?

Because i'm so overweight.

A vicious, vicious cycle.

"No-one likes me because i'm fat" *eats*

"I can't buy clothes i like because i'm fat" *eats*

"I can't talk to them, they'll laugh at how i look". *eats*

All the time.

I went on a [faddy] diet a few years ago. 

I lost about 3 and a half stone. 

I felt so good about myself, so confident.

But because it was a diet similar to the atkins diet [just meats and greens], as soon as i tried to reintroduce other foods [carbs, natural sugars, etc] the weight PILED back on. 

So after that, i just gave up caring, and ate. 

Here's a photo of me then.

This is how i want to be again.

You can see i'm not skinny skinny, but i was happy.

I really don't care about being thin.

I just want to be a weight, a size, that i feel comfortable with.

A size that gives me the confidence i have lost.

This is what i'm aiming for.

Happiness.

Last year i saw a photo of myself and my face was so round.

As round as the moon.

I was disgusted.

I decided to make a change.

No more diets, i am going to eat healthy, lots of fruit, lots of veg, and no crisps.

Change my lifestyle, not just diet.

So i did.

Something just clicked.

I made my boyfriend take a photo of me on day one.

I weighed 126.6k.

The buttons on my favourite shirt didn't even fasten.

But i didn't mind, i was going to change.

Two weeks later, after cutting out sugar, crisps, and creamy/buttery foods, i'd lost almost 7k.

That's roughly a stone. 

I made my boyfriend take another photo so i could compare.

Look at that!

I see a difference! 

A month or so after that, i'd lost 10k.

I could finally do up my shirt!

It was clingy, but hey, it fastened. 

Progress!

After the last photo was taken i weighed 114k, and we went home for xmas.

I ate, not excessively, and was happy.

I had my family, people to talk to, and my dog!

I returned to Berlin in January and my depression crept back up.

It hit me right between the eyes, and it hit me hard.

It was cold, it kept snowing, and i was so very lonely. 

I started eating crisps again in the day, to get me through.

I put weight back on.

By April, i was back to the second photo, about 117k.

I'd say to myself every monday, 

"start today, eat better again",

But i always put it off, pushed it back.

Then the sun came out and melted all the snow.

My mood changed immediately.

I felt like i was ready again, like i could do it.

So that's what i did.

Last monday i made the decision.

I started eating better.

I drank water all day.

My new eating plan coincided with the first day of my period.

Lovely, great timing.

But it kind of helped, i fought through it.

When i craved sweet, i ate fresh pineapple. So good! 

Every time i got a crisp craving i'd push it down. Remind myself how well i was doing.

I worked out everyday.

45 minutes.

It seemed a lot of hard work, and in the beginning i tried to talk myself out of it. 

But i did it, and afterwards, it felt so good.

At some point in the week the cravings went.

I'm going home on Wednesday, and i want to feel good about myself.

I can't believe it, but i'm on my way.

My skin in 100% better, despite being on.

My clothes fit better, not great, but better.

I've lost 2k. 

Sorry about the photobooth picture quality!

I'm still fat yes.

But i won't be for long. 

I changed my way of thinking.

I know i'm going to have a good summer because of it.

And I can't wait. 

Healthy eating, losing weight.

The trick to losing weight is...

Eating well and exercise!

Would you believe it?!

I never did. I've struggled with my weight for so long.

I've been on so many faddy diets.

If i was a few years younger, i would probably be doing the 5:2 diet right now.

But i am older, wiser, and more experienced.

I've found the only way to steadily and successfully lose weight is the way everyone has been telling me for a great many years. 

I cut out crisps, i cut out sweets/chocolate, and i limit my carbs.

I rarely use oil, cream and butter when cooking my food.

I start my day with a big glass of water, do my Jillian Michaels dvd, and then have breakfast.

I have cracker-breads for lunch, fruit for snacks, and yummy teas. 

Here is one of my favourite teas for a warm week night. 

Fajita Chicken on an open sandwich

We googled 'fajita rub', made up a jar, and now use it all the time.

It flavours your meat and veggies so well.

The rub we use has paprika, garlic & onion powder, cumin, and all kinds of yummy smelling spices.

Heat up your griddle pan and throw the chicken on in it's spice rub.

HOT HOT!

While that's grilling away [no oil], prep your bread.

I used a german 'ei-weiß' loaf.

It's moist, and really seedy.

Instead of margarine or butter i spread a thin layer of light cream cheese on the bread.

Add lettuce, cucumber, radish, twist of salt and pepper and your steamy spicy chicken.

Stand back and admire your irritatingly easy tea.

Then chow down.

Nom!

I have been 'healthy eating' for almost a week, and i've lost nearly 2k.

It's not easy, i'm not going to lie.

But i want my nice clothes to fit again, so i have to try, i owe it to myself.

I tried a shirt on last night and it's a little looser.

I don't rely on my scales, because i know your weight changes ALL OF THE DAY.

I prefer to find an item of clothing that i don't wear because it's gotten clingy.

Then i'll try this item on at the end of every 7 days.

My current item is a size 18 denim shirt from Next.

I used to be able to wear it fastened, with leggings, and it would be loose, not tight.

I have another post coming up this week about my weight struggles and current loss.

Whether or not you'll find it interesting i'm not sure.

But i'm super proud and want to share my story is all :)